"A Thousand Days of Mourning"

The Queen and Duke of Edinburgh leave the building from whence Her Majesty's funeral address to the nation was delivered earlier today.

ON A DATE FOREVER TO BE GRIEVED AND BEWAILED as "British Non-Independence Day", Gordon Brown signed the constitutional Treaty of Lisbon on behalf of what was hitherto known as "Great Britain". The reform treaty creates a permanent EU President and a High Representative for foreign affairs, as well as a legal personality for the EU, allowing it to sign international treaties. For all intents and purposes, these are the imperfect powers of a confederal republic with an appointed executive as head of state.

With one fell swoop, Gordon Brown does away with a thousand years of British independence by signing the European Union's new quasi-constitution on 13 December 2007.

When asked what discernible feat of national self-interest he hoped to achieve in permanently subordinating Britain to an unelected and foreign presidency, Prime Minister Brown was heard to mutter something along the lines of preserving British influence within the councils of Europe. When pushed for a further treatment of the matter on how such influence would be maintained with world leaders henceforth looking to Brussels to negotiate matters of global concern, Mr. Brown insisted that the new constitutional powers of the president would effectively be limited to "the right to be consulted, the right to advise and the right to warn." The prime minister further demurred that the power to sign international treaties was merely a formality akin to Her Majesty granting Royal Assent to Acts of United Kingdom legislation. When asked if he was replacing the Queen as head of state, the prime minister offered no comment but appeared genuinely bemused by the question.

Meanwhile, in what clearly must be construed as a difference of opinion, Her Majesty declared a thousand days of mourning in symbolic recognition of Britain's official departure from its millenia of sovereign independence from the continent of Europe. Gathering around the Queen to mark this melancholy occasion, and appearing dignifiedly distraught, the Royal Family and other dignitaries stood in hushed and black-clad awe worthy of a state funeral procession. Prince Philip in particular, standing next to the Queen, managed to compose his features in an expression said to be 'grave even to severity', while Her Majesty's televised funeral address to the nation took on a 'gloom of affectionate despair'. Her Majesty vowed that she would continue serving Britain's interests to the best of her ability, but which now required that she represent them as Queen of Canada, Queen of Australia or Queen of Something, rather than as official representative to the President of Europe in the EU state province of Britain and Northern Ireland.

The Prime Minister of Canada is reported to be delighted at the news, and issued a press release announcing that Her Majesty will be replacing Governor General Michaëlle Jean as local Commander-in-Chief when the Queen of Canada takes up official residence at Rideau Hall early in the new year.